Pick Your Poison: A Brief History of Russian Poisonings
Novichok can cause unconsciousness -- whether it's a nerve agent or a Russian Imperial Stout.
Russians sure are accident-prone – from firearms accidents, falls from windows, and of course, close encounters with Novichok.
In August, Russian opposition figure Alexei Navalny was stricken with the deadly nerve agent while he and members of his anti-corruption task force wrapped up an investigation in the Siberian city of Tomsk. Members of Navalny’s task force, the FBK, carried off scores of items from Navalny’s hotel room, including a water bottle containing microscopic traces of Novichok.
The Russian government, of course, denies poisoning Navalny. Troll farms and other outlets instead blame Navalny’s FBK colleague, Maria Pevchikh, smearing her as a femme fatale who trained alongside US Navy SEALs.
Poisonings are a time-honored tradition for Russian intelligence. In 2018, a pair of GRU officers, posing as vitamin-selling tourists, attempted to poison a GRU defector and his daughter with Novichok in Salisbury, England. Nearly the same happened to Alexander Litvinenko, an FSB defector who was killed after drinking a cup of tea laced with radioactive polonium-210. Viktor Yushchenko, a pro-Western politician from Ukraine, survived a poisoning attempt in 2004, later quipping that he “fell afoul of Ukraine’s political cuisine, which it seems can kill.” And most famously, KGB agents used a ricin-tipped umbrella to poison a Bulgarian dissident in Central London during the Cold War.
What I’m (thinking of) Drinking:
Russian hacking, poisonings, and espionage may be bad for America and its allies – but it’s great for American beer producers brewing Russian Imperial Stouts like Collusion, Fancy Bear, and Shirtless Putin Nuzzling With Dolphins. At over 9% ABV apiece, these concoctions may just hit harder than Novichok.
Novichok A-234 Russian Imperial Stout from Ded and Paddle Brewery in Vakhrushi, Kirov Oblast, Russia. Photo via Untappd.
Anyone born into this world is given that option at one time or another: pick your poison. We must avoid both if possible.